In a moment in time
You know that feeling when you feel like you are never where you are supposed to be in life or that you should be focusing on something other than what you are doing at any given moment. Somedays I go to bed and wish that I could do it over. I wouldn’t have yelled so loud or I would’ve been more productive. When I stop to think about it I always am amazed how hard I can be on myself. If my house is clean, my children are lonely. If my children are happy we are out of food, clothes and clean, livable space. There are a few moments in time, when I stand still, breathe deep and feel grateful for the very minute I am in.
Something that always keeps me in this moment, is when I am at a birth. If I had a shitty day where everything went wrong, I yelled at my kids all day, my house is a mess, I have to be at work in an hour and there’s no-one to cover my shift, and the last thing that I need to happen is to be called to a birth… is always, of course the day I get called to a birth. Most of the time, it happens in the perfect time, I am there and back by morning. But I can’t bring all of that with me to a birth. I have to put that out of my mind. paused. for a little while. I walk into someone’s sacred space, where they will bring a child into the world, with a clear head. No expectations. I am there for the moment, observing, listening, filling the water. It’s almost like I go into somewhere else, a switch flips and I am able to let go of all of my life and be apart of a moment in theirs. When I am on my way to a birth I try to say things to myself to prepare me to be apart of this moment…“I want my words to be heard in the way they are intended. I trust this process. I am guided by the knowlegde of the women who have walked this path before me…”
I like to be in the shadows, making as little of an impact on the natural processes of what’s going on with in her body and with in their family at that time. I am an extra pair of hands, or a kind word. I fill the water or empty the bowl…
When I am at a birth I am in the moment. My life is on hold out of the respect of the process and the family I am with.
When I say goodnight (but mostly good morning) and I step back into my life, my messy house, my busy schedule, I am reminded about the moments to just be. I come home and climb into bed with my babies and soak their very essence in and for those moments I am present .
I am a little more grounded after each one in some way or another. It carries on long after I leave, and it pours over into my life.
I am only at the beginning…